Labels: birthday, humor, Myspace, The Onion

Labels: humor

A Southern wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.

With super-human strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood power, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn.

She put his tally-whacker in a vice and then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.

Labels: humor

Labels: humor

Top 9 Muslim Complaints Over Geert Wilders Film “Fitna”

9. Live Leak keeps acting all uppity with their "freedom to express different viewpoints" attitude.

8. Portrays Muslims as violent and murderous; but in a negative way.

7. Thought the lead role should have gone to Shatner.

6. Upset with the big push by the producers to get it ready in time for Cannes.

Labels: humor

Labels: humor, video

9. Been looking at things from a "glass-half-empty" perspective. Now they only point out the people he didn't feed with the loaves of bread and fish, not the millions who have already eaten their full through Him.

8. They keep bringing up that picture of him in the Muslim-ish outfit. Like a picture is going to impact a presidential candidates campaign!

7. Have not properly re-calibrated their "Victim-o-meters" yet. Everyone knows that a black, former Muslim with the ability to commune with animals, is entitled to far better coverage than a white woman whose major claim to fame is that she survived having a house dropped on her a few years back.

Labels: humor, links, satire

Labels: ashley, Clinton, Democratic Primary, humor, silda

Labels: humor

Labels: humor

Labels: humor, video

Fox Hunting

Labels: humor

Labels: humor

Labels: fake news video, humor

The Ghost Story:

This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the low country of South Carolina, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunder storm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door, only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly
started moving and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he sta rted t o pray and beg for his life, he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the marsh and he would surely drown, when just before the curve, a hand appeared through the driver's window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town. Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience.

A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth and not just some drunk. About half an hour later two Rednecks walked into the bar and one says to the other: "Look Bubba, there's that idiot who rode in our car when we were pushing it.

Big Game Hunter:

Labels: humor

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he’d be there as soon as possible.

As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen of course, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10.

He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.
... [link]

H/T AJD Shootist

Click the link and read the rest, nothing like a good joke to make you appreciate everything more

Technorati Tags: AJD Shootist, TheoSpark, Humor, BlogPower, Lord Nazh

Labels: humor

Labels: humor

Actually heard on police videos…

These 16 police comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

#16 “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”

#15 “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”

#14 “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

#13 “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

#12 “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”

#11 “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”

Labels: humor

Labels: humor

Labels: humor

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus.

My parents live in Fort Worth and one of my sisters, who lives in Pflugerville, is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana.

They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas.

I have two brothers, one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994.

My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview, She is a part time "working girl".

All things considered, my problem is this.

I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family.

I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Hillary Clinton for President ?

Signed,

Worried About My Reputation

Labels: humor

President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"

The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits."

The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims".

Labels: humor

Who knew? An old law shuts psychics

Alerted to a forgotten state ban, Phila. authorities have closed at least 16 storefront fortune-tellers. One alleged discrimination.

By David O'Reilly and Michael Vitez

Inquirer Staff Writers

Philadelphia's fortune-tellers didn't see it coming. Suddenly they're facing a very unhappy future. Alerted to an obscure state law banning fortune-telling "for gain or lucre," the city's Department of Licenses and Inspections is closing storefront psychics,

MICHAEL BRYANT / Inquirer Staff Photographer

astrologers, phrenologists and tarot-card readers who charge money for their services.

Inspectors had closed 16 shops since Tuesday, Deputy L&I Commissioner Dominic E. Verdi said yesterday.

"We were not aware it was a crime," he said, "but the Police Department came to us a few days ago and showed us where the crime code prohibits psychic readings.

"We looked into it, and it's clearly illegal. I was surprised."

Fortune-telling for profit is a third-degree misdemeanor. The law has been on the books for more than 30 years.(link)

You would think the fortune tellers would have seen this coming :)

Labels: humor, law

The Secular Faith - The Book of Algore

¹⁹ … now therefore, gather all the four hundred and fifty climatologists, and the four hundred prophets of Algore. We shall meet upon the mountain Thursday after next.

²⁰ And Algore sent a message to all the people, and said, “How long will you falter between two opinions?

²¹ Yea, do you not realize that there is but One True reality and the other a lie?”

²²Then Algore said to the people, “I alone am left a prophet of the Climate; yet you must see that the Great Warmening is nigh.

²³ Therefore let us have a challenge; On the Thursday after next, you masses run your SUVs, your Suburbans and your Hummers for many hours.

²⁴After you have run your SUVs, your Suburbans and your Hummers for many hours, the Climate shall withhold the rain and your crops shall be smitten.”

²⁵So the prophets of Algore and the climatologists carried his message to the villages and the furthest parts of the countryside.

²⁶On the Thursday after next, Algore arose ascended the mountain. “Where are my four hundred and fifty climatologists and four hundred prophets? Indeed, where is everybody?” Algore asked of the seventeen men assembled on the mountain.

Labels: global climate change, humor

Labels: humor, Tuesday Video

Childbirth
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a while, Conner was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Conner began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place... smack his butt again."

Drunk
A man goes to a party and has way too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says NO -- he only lives a mile away.

About five blocks from party, the police pull him over. They check his license and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house around the block. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they'll be right back and they run around the corner to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.

A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Smith is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.

The police still have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door.

There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing.

True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting.

Labels: humor

Swiss Troops Accidentally Invade Liechtenstein

Friday, March 02, 2007

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ZURICH, Switzerland — What began as a routine training exercise almost ended in an embarrassing diplomatic incident after a company of Swiss soldiers got lost at night and marched into neighboring Liechtenstein.

According to Swiss daily Blick, the 170 infantry soldiers from the neutral country wandered more than a mile across an unmarked border into the tiny principality early Thursday before realizing their mistake and turning back.

A spokesman for the Swiss army confirmed the story, but said that there were unlikely to be any serious repercussions for the mistaken invasion.

"We've spoken to the authorities in Liechtenstein and it's not a problem," Daniel Reist told The Associated Press on Friday.

Officials in Liechtenstein also played down the incident.

Interior Ministry spokesman Markus Amman said nobody in Liechtenstein had even noticed the soldiers, who were carrying assault rifles but no ammunition. "It's not like they stormed over here with attack helicopters or something," he said.

Liechtenstein, which has about 34,000 inhabitants and is slightly smaller than Washington, D.C., does not have an army. (link)

Labels: Europe, humor

To be a good Democrat…

by Glib Fortuna @ 6:50 am. Filed under News, Humor

1. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.

2. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments
create prosperity.

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans
are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands
of Chinese and North Korean communists.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by
cyclical documented changes in the earth’s climate and more affected by
soccer moms driving SUV’s.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being
homosexual is natural.

7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of
federal funding.

8. You have to believe that the same teacher who can’t teach fourth
graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

9. You have to believe that hunters don’t care about nature, but loony
activists who have never been outside of San Francisco do.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually
doing something to earn it.

11. You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own
money to make The Passion of the Christ for financial gain only.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts
of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain
parts of the Constitution.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more
important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E. Lee,
Thomas Edison and A.G. Bell.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial
quotas and set-asides are not.

16. You have to believe that Hillary Clinton is normal and is a very nice person.

17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn’t worked
anywhere it’s been tried is because the right people haven’t been in charge.

18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail,
but a liar and a sex offender belonged in the White House.

19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag,
transvestites, and bestiality should be constitutionally protected, and
manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the
Chinese Government is somehow in the best interest to the United States.

21. You have to believe that this message is a part of a vast, right wing conspiracy.

22. You have to believe that it’s okay to give Federal workers off for
Christmas Day but it’s not okay to say “Merry Christmas.”

Got this via forwarded email and got a chuckle or two, so I thought I’d share.

Labels: democrats, humor